Squirrel Scribble Vol.2 – Dining out is back with a side of sanitiser

If you believe you can pop on a frock, simply rock up to a restaurant, and expect to be seated…think again Princesses!

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The current rules and regulations associated with dining right now require almost military precision. However, luckily ‘Sir-Lunch-a-lot’ is here to guide you through the restrictive minefield!

NO BOOKING, NO CHANCE

Even if you are the Prime Minister of New Zealand and have not booked one of those ten prized seats at a restaurant, you have no chance of sitting down for a meal (aka boozy lunch) thanks to the current Government restrictions in place. Be prepared and book ahead or you will be back eating Hungry Jack’s in a park with the seagulls and pigeons…with no booze!

BORDER CONTROL

The meet and greet on arrival to a restaurant has changed to an interview usually reserved for an interrogation by the Feds! Sanitise your hands, take the pen (which they spray with more sanitiser) and sign away your privacy. Full name, address, phone number, postcode, sexual preference and the top five moles on your blacklist, otherwise no entry! If you want to sit your pretty ass on a seat, hand over all your personal details or “no food for you”!

SEATING TIME

The table is about as baron as the Queen’s love for Meghan…whatever her surname is. No tablecloth, cutlery, glasses or even a napkin. No, you are not at a public park or picnic bench but the rules state that everything must be set once you sit down to avoid any chance of COVID-19 germs. It does get better as the staff set your table with their go-go Gadget arms to avoid any close contact. The dining experience has started. It is all normal here. #awkies

CHOW DOWN

Depending on which venue you are lucky enough to secure a seat, you have between 30 minutes to two hours to chow down and enjoy your experience. As your waiter – some wearing plastic gloves – greets you ‘at a distance’, you are handed a laminated menu covered in more chemicals than you inhaled at University orgies. Now, it is time to dine. Who’s hungry?

EXIT TIME

The pure pleasure of dining with your friends, albeit in a slightly awkward environment, has been a strange but enjoyable one. At least we can now eat out…. but wait! The next guests rock up 30 minutes before your finishing time. The longing in their eyes as they wait clearly demonstrates they want to rip the chair from under your toosh and toss you to the COVID curve so they can have their timed dining experience too. My inner voices scream “Back off bitches! I am taking my full two hours to enjoy the company of my guests and fine food all washed down with copious amounts of wine and chemical cleaning products.” I managed to refrain from making my thoughts vocal but my ass didn’t leave that seat until l enjoyed every last minute in my lunch laboratory.

Anyone up for lunch with the Squirrel? Cheers!

Kindly, Squirrel x